Putting the evil back into "Devil's Night"

Halloween is right around the corner, and I, for one, could not be more indifferent. Obviously, as you grow older, Halloween is going to be less and less appealing, but it seems as if the entire nation has let this once great holiday fall by the wayside. As parents have instituted more safeguards and precautions, Halloween has become lamer with each passing year.

Aside from a few randomly placed pumpkins, some shitty horror movies on AMC and the obligatory arson story from Detroit, there is virtually no indication that Halloween is even upon us. In my youth, Halloween was marked with all manner of TV specials, parades, haunted houses, property damage, juvenile delinquency and even protests. Now it's been reduced to four kids knocking on the doors of three houses in the suburbs and idiots eating stale orange cupcakes at a depressing office party.

You may be wondering where I'm heading with all of this. Well I'll tell you. I think it's time we not only return Halloween to its glory days, but improve upon them. Not just for the sake of Halloween, but for the sake of evil in general.

The state of evil in this country is a goddamn joke. I mean, how sad is it that these emo twats have become the unofficial representatives of evil? Despite what these douchebags believe, evil gets shit done. Evil is out there stabbing people and burning down churches. Evil doesn't sit in its room and hardly break its skin with a razor while listening to Fall Out Boy. In short, apathy isn't evil.

So this Halloween, go out there and make us remember why people used to be scared of this day. And the same tired cliches aren't going to get it done. As cute as it is to throw some toilet paper over a tree, it ranks as a nuisance at best. Same goes for water balloons and shaving cream. Just leave that shit at home. If you aren't leaving your house at 2:00 a.m. with anything less than some Molotov cocktails and the contents of the dumpster from the local Planned Parenthood, you aren't doing your job as a representative of evil.

If not for the sake of evil, do it for the sake of good. Think about it. Evil has sucked for the past several years and what have the so-called "good" people resorted to? Banning gay marriage and stem-cell research. Can you really blame them for taking such stupid stances when they don't have anything worthwhile to direct their scorn at?

It's gotten so bad that I think Christmas actually trumps Halloween in the field of bad deeds. Consider this. Christmas activities include opening presents, eating a huge meal and sitting on your ass for the rest of the night. In other words - greed, gluttony and sloth. What does Halloween have going for it these days? At best it only has one of those. The excessive candy can qualify as gluttony, but it least it gives kids some physical activity. It gets them out of the house and it's not even built on materialism. So Christmas is more evil than Halloween. How fucking pathetic is that?

I would say all hope is not lost, but that's really up to all of you out there. This Halloween, I'll be visiting hospitals with my gas can and stopping by nursing homes with my crossbow, but I'm only one person. Whether or not we reclaim this day is up to all of you out there. Good luck and Devilspeed.
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Flakes and concerts

People who flake out at the last minute suck. I was all set to hit the
SOLD OUT Tiger Army show tonight with a hot little number until she
texted me last night and flaked. At least I made some money off the
wasted ticket though because they've sold out their entire west coast
tour months ago I was able to get quite a bit of green for the ticket.

Now for tonights line up: The Briggs, Black Rose Phantom and Tiger
Army.

First up - Black Rose Phantoms
First impression is that they aren't bad. After the first song they got
much better. Still they screamed a little much for me. The lead singer
is also the non-electric bass player. I would definitely see them
again.

Next up - the Briggs

John cochennette

The Reason You're Not Getting Any

Dear Friend,

We went out tonight and you had yet another dismal failure. The best thing that can be said about this date is that at least it was mercifully short, so thankfully she didn't have to put up with you for too long.It's not that you're a bad dude. You're funny, smart, caring, and (to my male heterosexual eye) not that bad looking of a dude. The problem, is that you're just a fucking idiot when it comes to dating.I've had to watch this sad charade for over a year now, and I've had to listen to your sob stories, this constant recounting of how you can't find a nice girl to get into a relationship with. I understand; dating is hard. I'm no magician myself and don't claim to be the all-knowing expert of wooing the opposite sex. I've tried to help you, but you won't listen. Now I'm blogging because I just can't stand it anymore.Friend, please pull your head out of your ass. Here are ways you constantly fuck up. Fix these, and maybe, just maybe, you'll meet that nice girl you're looking for.

1. BE ON TIME. You fucking asshole, you are always late. ALWAYS. This isn't a big deal when you're just meeting up with me or your friends for beers at the bar, but it's goddamn rude when it's a girl that you're trying to impress, especially on the first date. The message you are sending is that you were doing something more important than making sure that you were on time for your date. As you get to know her better, maybe this can become one of your cute little "quirks," but being late right off the bat makes you look like a fucking dickhead.

2. IRON YOUR GODDAMN SHIRT! You walk out of the house looking like you just pulled your shirt out of the bottom of the hamper. Come to think of it, maybe you did. But dude, you look like fucking hell leaving with all of those wrinkles. Whether you want to admit it or not, she's going to notice. If you show up looking like crap (and late on top of it, fucko), again you're sending the message that you just don't care that much about trying to make a good impression with her. Take a look at your date--unless you're going out with the neighborhood crack whore, have you noticed that she probably spent more than 5 minutes getting ready? If you want her to look good for you, it's only fair that you look good for her, you inconsiderate bastard.

3. SHAVE. Just fucking shave. Your 2-day growth doesn't make you look like a dashing rogue. It makes you look like a slovenly bastard. Also, I want you to try an experiment: go to the Home Depot down the street. By some ..2 sandpaper. Take it out of the box, and grasp it with the palm of your hand, positioning your arm at approximately a 45-degree angle. NOW RUB IT ALL OVER YOUR FUCKING FACE AND SEE HOW MUCH IT HURTS. Doesn't feel too good, does it you stupid son of a bitch? That's exactly what your face feels like to her if, heaven forbid, you actually kiss her. Now, some girls like the feel of an unshaved face. Shit, some girls like to be choked while you fuck them in the ass and pretend that she's an underage ballerina and you're Superman. But that doesn't mean you should show up to your first couple of dates with a gag ball, an industrial-size tube of K-Y, and a goddamn cape. Play the percentages: shave until she tells you otherwise. Asshole.

4. PAY ATTENTION TO THE CONVERSATION. You always complain about uncomfortable silences. Well, dickhead, what is it that you're talking about that leads to silence? You're doing one of two thing: (1) Talking about stuff that's boring as hell to most people, that could lead to potential conflicts, or that makes her feel uneasy (topics in this category include: work, politics, sports, religion and sex). If you get into a relationship, you might have long discussions about any of these topics. That's cool, that's healthy. But whipping that stuff out on the first date is most likely going to be a conversation killer; or, (2) You're talking about yourself. You tend to do that a lot. Shut the fuck up. It's about her, not you. Keep the conversation going by asking her follow-up questions and offering selective tidbits about yourself. That way, she feels like not only are you interested in her, but also she's learning about you. It doesn't matter what questions you ask her, just keep her talking. AND FUCKING LISTEN. Don't go on auto-pilot--she'll pick up on the fact that you're not really listening to her right away.

5. SHOW SOME CHIVALRY. Open doors. Offer to pay for the bill (but don't force it--she might feel more comfortable splitting the bill with you, because then she won't feel like you're "expecting something" as a reward). Be nice to the waitress. Don't look at ANY OTHER WOMEN, no matter how hot they are. As soon as you check out some other girl's ass, you're done. Save that shit for when we're out at the bar getting drunk. Until then, focus on your date. Flatter her. This is something we don't do well in our culture, but find a way to compliment her without coming off like an asshole. Find something you genuinely like about her (her outfit, necklace, shoes, whatever) and tell her. Stay away from the following areas, though: Boobs, lips, legs, ass, and just bascially her body in general. Don't come off as a perv.

6. MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Dude, she's not going to fuck you on the first date. It's just not going to happen...and the girl who DOES fuck you on the first date isn't a girl you want to get into a relationship with. If she's fucking you on the first date, how many other guys do you think she's sleeping with? You're not that good looking, charming, or rich. YOUR ENTIRE GOAL FOR THE FIRST DATE IS TO GET A SECOND DATE. That is the only way you should measure success. If you get a kiss after the first date, that's great...but the lack of a kiss doesn't mean shit. And guess what? Your entire goal for the second date is to get the third date. It's ok to ratchet up the physical flirting as the number of your dates increases, but as soon as she feels you trying to sniff out her cooter, you're done unless she already wants to swallow your Special Swimmers.

That's all I've got for right now. I hope you read this. I hope you meet a girl who you can have a good relationship with. I also hope you fucking quit whining about it to me.

Drank too much

Last night my friend Summer took me to a place in Old Town San Diego
that sells Guiness by the yard. That's right it comes in a 3 foot tall
glass. I drank 2. More exciting adventures in San Diego to come...
John cochennette

AT&T or the mob

AT&T: "Free Ride" For Google And Others Is Over

AT&T's CEO Ed Whitacre is once again crowing about his company's plans to extort money from Google and other Web sites who want to be able to reach AT&T customers. "The content providers should be paying for the use of the network," he told the Financial Times, and added that they shouldn't "expect a free ride."

AT&T, SBC, Verizon, and others have been busy touting their Soprano-like business model, in which they charge consumers who want to get broadband access, and then extort money from big Web sites if those sites want to be able to reach consumers.

And how would those Web sites get the money to pay AT&T and fellow cyber-mafiosi? According to Godfather Whitacre, they should charge you for using their sites. "They might pass it on to their customers," he says of the fees that he wants to charge the sites. Then the sites could send the money straight to AT&T.

In Whitacre's world, you pay AT&T in order to connect to the Internet, then you pay Google and many other Web sites in order to use those sites...and all the money ends up in his pockets.

Can't someone stop this guy? Considering that the FCC is in the pockets of the big Telcos, probably not. But let the FCC and your Congressmen know it's time for Whitacre and friends to stop cyberextortion.

reposted from techdirt

Airports

Location: Gate 9, Oakland airport.
I never realized how much fun it is to sit in an airport while waiting
for a flight. I mean the sheer number of people just wondering around
with that lost look on their face, constantly looking at their boarding
pass, as if it's going to suddenly come to life and direct them where to
go.
Then there are the obnoxious businessmen constantly talking on their
cellphones and talking loudly enough that everyone can hear them, like
we care about their jobs.
Then there's people like me who sit with a book and those everpresent
white iPod headphones snaking out of our bag. Except today I forgot my
book, hence this long rambling post. Until next time
John cochennette

Country of California ...

Dear President Bush,

Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving.California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of the North East.

We spoke to God, and he agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, he's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then.

So you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get the 'Governator', stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. (Okay, we have to keep Martha Stewart, but we can live with that.)We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Opryland. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Old Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get all the technological innovation in Alabama. We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms to support, and we know how much you like that. Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies? But heck the only greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs.

Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for you. Ouch, bet that hurts.

Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to want all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight, just ask your evangelicals. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.

Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction soon. Seriously.

Sincerely,

California

Graveyard

So I'm working a graveyard shift again. I haven't had to do this in a year. But our normal auditor is going on vacation and the not-so-normal one quit last week. Besides that in general I hate working on saturday nights.

Tiger Army

I am so stoked I got tickets today for the Feb 11 Tiger Army show. My friend Summer and (hopefully) my friend Sarah are going with me.
More later.

Stupid AT&T Wireless

After 3 years my cell phone crapped out today. I went down to get a new one and decided to swicth to another carrier. I bought a new Sidekick and went to transfer all my numbers and email addresses from the old phone and surprise surprise AT&T wireless doesn't keep that stuff on the sim chip so I lost everything. I am hoping my friends read this and send me there phone numbers.