THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear; dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
2007-02-11
Why I like Women with Small Boobs
I personally love women with small boobs. Here're the reasons why:
1. Valentines Day. No fussing around for brassiers. Just sexy panties. Saved: $25
2. Foreplay. In the heated moment of the night, when you're taking off her clothes, no need to fiddle with "the latch". Saved: 5 minutes.
3. Going out to a bar, no need to worry about other dudes staring at her chest. Just get drunk and have fun with her. Saved: Broken nose, a trip to the hospital, possible jail time. $550
4. She might get fake boobs. Saved: Your fantasies of being with a girl with silicone/saline.
5. If you marry her, you know your daughters wont have any back problems associated with large boobs. Saved: $6000, and jock types wooing your daughter.
6. When she's 65, her boobies wont sag. Saved: Listening to your grandkids screaming, "Look at those grandma boobs!"
7. One less position to worry about. (Titty fucking) Saved: Effort.
8. If you have a small wee-wee, you have a friend in inadequacy. Saved: Seeking for empathy.
9. 70% Less chance of getting breast cancer!!! Ok. Not true. Sorry. Saved: Nothing. I just wanted to say that to make you girls feel better.
10. When you cum on her tits, it's a one-swipe clean-off for her. Very convenient. Saved: Tissues.
11. Calvin Klein might use her in his pre-pubescent ads, and make you two into millionaires. Saved: A lifetime of working for a living.
12. If you two ever get kidnapped while vacationing in a remote Asian country, and a bunch of bandits grab you two and beat you silly and try to extort you for all your money, especially after they find out that she is a famous small-boobed model for Calvin Klein, and they stick you two inside a bamboo hut in a Cambodia jungle somewhere, she can easily slip out of the hut by wiggling herself free (no big boobs to hinder her escape), run nimble (she couldnt run fast if she had big boobs) to the US Army base, and call for help. And when you're safe at the Army base, sipping on your cup of hot chocolate, all you'll have, are her small boobs to thank for. Saved: Um, possible death and torture at the hands of malicious people, extortion and a bad vacation.
2006-10-26
Putting the evil back into "Devil's Night"
Halloween is right around the corner, and I, for one, could not be more indifferent. Obviously, as you grow older, Halloween is going to be less and less appealing, but it seems as if the entire nation has let this once great holiday fall by the wayside. As parents have instituted more safeguards and precautions, Halloween has become lamer with each passing year.
Aside from a few randomly placed pumpkins, some shitty horror movies on AMC and the obligatory arson story from Detroit, there is virtually no indication that Halloween is even upon us. In my youth, Halloween was marked with all manner of TV specials, parades, haunted houses, property damage, juvenile delinquency and even protests. Now it's been reduced to four kids knocking on the doors of three houses in the suburbs and idiots eating stale orange cupcakes at a depressing office party.
You may be wondering where I'm heading with all of this. Well I'll tell you. I think it's time we not only return Halloween to its glory days, but improve upon them. Not just for the sake of Halloween, but for the sake of evil in general.
The state of evil in this country is a goddamn joke. I mean, how sad is it that these emo twats have become the unofficial representatives of evil? Despite what these douchebags believe, evil gets shit done. Evil is out there stabbing people and burning down churches. Evil doesn't sit in its room and hardly break its skin with a razor while listening to Fall Out Boy. In short, apathy isn't evil.
So this Halloween, go out there and make us remember why people used to be scared of this day. And the same tired cliches aren't going to get it done. As cute as it is to throw some toilet paper over a tree, it ranks as a nuisance at best. Same goes for water balloons and shaving cream. Just leave that shit at home. If you aren't leaving your house at 2:00 a.m. with anything less than some Molotov cocktails and the contents of the dumpster from the local Planned Parenthood, you aren't doing your job as a representative of evil.
If not for the sake of evil, do it for the sake of good. Think about it. Evil has sucked for the past several years and what have the so-called "good" people resorted to? Banning gay marriage and stem-cell research. Can you really blame them for taking such stupid stances when they don't have anything worthwhile to direct their scorn at?
It's gotten so bad that I think Christmas actually trumps Halloween in the field of bad deeds. Consider this. Christmas activities include opening presents, eating a huge meal and sitting on your ass for the rest of the night. In other words - greed, gluttony and sloth. What does Halloween have going for it these days? At best it only has one of those. The excessive candy can qualify as gluttony, but it least it gives kids some physical activity. It gets them out of the house and it's not even built on materialism. So Christmas is more evil than Halloween. How fucking pathetic is that?
I would say all hope is not lost, but that's really up to all of you out there. This Halloween, I'll be visiting hospitals with my gas can and stopping by nursing homes with my crossbow, but I'm only one person. Whether or not we reclaim this day is up to all of you out there. Good luck and Devilspeed.
--
Aside from a few randomly placed pumpkins, some shitty horror movies on AMC and the obligatory arson story from Detroit, there is virtually no indication that Halloween is even upon us. In my youth, Halloween was marked with all manner of TV specials, parades, haunted houses, property damage, juvenile delinquency and even protests. Now it's been reduced to four kids knocking on the doors of three houses in the suburbs and idiots eating stale orange cupcakes at a depressing office party.
You may be wondering where I'm heading with all of this. Well I'll tell you. I think it's time we not only return Halloween to its glory days, but improve upon them. Not just for the sake of Halloween, but for the sake of evil in general.
The state of evil in this country is a goddamn joke. I mean, how sad is it that these emo twats have become the unofficial representatives of evil? Despite what these douchebags believe, evil gets shit done. Evil is out there stabbing people and burning down churches. Evil doesn't sit in its room and hardly break its skin with a razor while listening to Fall Out Boy. In short, apathy isn't evil.
So this Halloween, go out there and make us remember why people used to be scared of this day. And the same tired cliches aren't going to get it done. As cute as it is to throw some toilet paper over a tree, it ranks as a nuisance at best. Same goes for water balloons and shaving cream. Just leave that shit at home. If you aren't leaving your house at 2:00 a.m. with anything less than some Molotov cocktails and the contents of the dumpster from the local Planned Parenthood, you aren't doing your job as a representative of evil.
If not for the sake of evil, do it for the sake of good. Think about it. Evil has sucked for the past several years and what have the so-called "good" people resorted to? Banning gay marriage and stem-cell research. Can you really blame them for taking such stupid stances when they don't have anything worthwhile to direct their scorn at?
It's gotten so bad that I think Christmas actually trumps Halloween in the field of bad deeds. Consider this. Christmas activities include opening presents, eating a huge meal and sitting on your ass for the rest of the night. In other words - greed, gluttony and sloth. What does Halloween have going for it these days? At best it only has one of those. The excessive candy can qualify as gluttony, but it least it gives kids some physical activity. It gets them out of the house and it's not even built on materialism. So Christmas is more evil than Halloween. How fucking pathetic is that?
I would say all hope is not lost, but that's really up to all of you out there. This Halloween, I'll be visiting hospitals with my gas can and stopping by nursing homes with my crossbow, but I'm only one person. Whether or not we reclaim this day is up to all of you out there. Good luck and Devilspeed.
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